We were recently joined by Arti Joshi  who answered some dating questions from our parents. Below you can find the transcript with her answers. 

 

How do you know you’re ready for a relationship after divorce?   

There are two parts to this.

The first is to check in with why you’re choosing to date. Is it because you’re feeling lonely or as if there’s a void in your life and you want to fill it in some way? Or is there a part of you that feels pressured with thoughts such as “everyone in my age group/community is with someone and I’m on my own”? And so, you feel pressed to be in a relationship when you may not be ready to be in one. So, you need to check in with yourself by asking: “what’s my motivation behind wanting to be in a relationship?” Is it because something feels like it’s missing, and you feel a relationship will add something to your life? 

I love to liken the creation of our beautiful, fearless lives to the building of a cake. We’re building layer, upon layer with delicious slices and beautiful toppings and this cake stands proudly, beautifully and sturdily on its own. And then we add the cherry on the top, but this cherry isn’t the only thing that makes the cake interesting, tasty, and beautiful. An intimate relationship gets to be the cherry on top, it is no longer the only thing that will add to your life, making it beautiful, meaningful, and fulfilling. A great thing to aim for is building the most delicious cake of a life by creating beautiful layers of a community of relationships, hobbies, meaningful work, and experiences so that with or without the intimate relationship, your cake still stands proud, filled with so many wonderful layers and most of all is delicious!

The second thing to check is if you’re avoiding being in a relationship. Perhaps a past experience has left you avoiding dating and relationships because you’re scared to be in one and don’t want your heart broken again. Maybe you feel that you don’t want to put your children through seeing you heartbroken and feeling like you’re hurting them too.

So, my suggestion is to take your time and to be very honest with yourself. Sit down and ask yourself the question “why am I choosing to date/not date right now?” and listen deeply for the answer. If you keep having these open, honest conversations with yourself on your journey regularly, then you will soon tune into how ready you are and exactly what’s right for you.

 

When you’re talking about dating, it means so many different things to people, for example, I want to pass some time and hang out with somebody. I’m looking for a relationship or people don’t really know what they want, they might be figuring it out as they go along. I was wondering from the percentage of people you talk to, what does “dating” generally mean?

Dating has such a broad spectrum of responses and means many different things to different people. The vast majority of people who I work with on the Fearless Dating coaching programme are genuinely looking for some form of a committed relationship. Whether it takes the form of marriage, starting a family together, cohabiting, living together-apart, and so on, there are so many ways of having a relationship that people are open to now.

To be a Fearless Dater, you have to be willing to have very open, fearless conversations with people. Often what happens as people date is that they become very tentative and shy. Or sometimes they fear it’s too soon for them to bring up what they’re looking for or hoping to create. And so, 3 to 4 or even more dates in, you find yourself still dating someone whose definition of what they want is so far apart from yours. And then people often feel they’ve wasted all their time. So, becoming a Fearless Dater means being willing to have these conversations sooner rather than later.

We can be serious about the outcome that we want to create with someone, but we don’t have to be overly serious about how we get there. Have some fun along the way! Set an intention to enjoy your journey, whatever form it takes, and weave these conversations into your journey in a light-hearted, respectful, and deeply connected way. Sometimes people can go in a bit too heavy with these conversations and they don’t feel good, whereas it’s wise to weave them into your explorations with someone along the way in a natural, light-hearted way. It means you can get closer to creating what you want by naturally filtering through what you and who you want.

Another thing to take into consideration when dating and looking for a partner is that if you’re “checking off” a list of what you want, you need to ask yourself how many of the things on your list you possess yourself? Chances are the person who has the qualities/attributes you’re looking for is looking for someone who already possesses them. And so, if you don’t have them, they’re likely to pass you by. So, ask yourself if you are willing to do the work to create and cultivate the characteristics and attributes you desire in yourself first. This is so important because a) it becomes easier for you to spot the people you’ll likely to be attracted to, b) for your ideal partner to find you and c) it can stop you going to a place of becoming overly dependent on your partner to provide you with traits that are important for you to cultivate yourself. After this you can then create a mutual partnership where you’re able to nurture these characteristics and attributes in each other, it becomes a co-created union.

So, challenge yourself to go beyond the checklist. Go to the heart and soul of what you want and then ask if you already possess these qualities. If not, begin cultivating them, and when you do you will then begin to notice that the people who start popping up on your radar are of a different calibre and someone you may want to consider a relationship with.

 

I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship. I think it’s my kids who really want me to go out. I think I’m quite settled, happy the way I am. I thought I’d join to see what it’s about.

It’s beautifully honest of you to share that because sometimes it’s the outside pressures and our family that make us feel like that we should be in a relationship when it’s not necessarily the right time for us. 

You are enjoying your own time, creating a meaningful life for yourself as well as creating a beautiful relationship with your children is where your time is best spent.

For you, the Fearless choice then becomes to decide if you want to have a conversation with your kids and let them know that you’re happy with where you are right now. Let them know where you want to put your attention and why. That’s a truly beautiful thing to share with your children and inspiring for them to become happy, healthy individuals.

 

Yes, if somebody comes along that’s different, but I’m not going to be……I’m quite happy with my life, and I’m ok about it. I think I’m trying to beat the pressure, but if somebody does come along that’s different, I’m not wanting to share that time atm.

It’s great to honour that and recognise where you are right now, it’s very important to living a Fearless Life.

 

I’ve dipped in and out of potentially dating a couple of years ago and the time I’ve taken to building my life have allowed me to go in strong into the dating pond, but there are still challenges and things that I’m working on in my own life, but I also feel that you don’t need to be 100% perfect or they’re in your life to have someone appear in your life. I agree with Arti that you need clarity and to make sure when attracting the right sort of people, but also it will be just trial and error until you figure out if things are repetitive behaviours, or if you end up being the common denominator of certain types of people going in and out. I’ve joined today to see Arti’s dating side, as we’ve talked about other things in life.

I’m glad you used the term ‘common denominator’. When clients come to me and say, “I keep attracting the bad guy,” or “I keep attracting the needy, clingy types” or “my relationships all seem to end after 3 weeks.” Well, that’s when we’ve got to take a long hard look at what’s happening and ask who the common denominator within the experiences is, and of course, it’s us.

The moment you identify yourself as the common denominator, it can feel scary, you almost feel powerless to ever be able to create a brand new experience for yourself. But I think this realisation is a wonderful one because it’s then that you are given a whole heap of power to create a truly new experience for yourself!

You have the opportunity to objectively review your experiences and ask yourself how you’re showing up in relationships, how you’re communicating both verbally and non-verbally. Maybe you’re consistently ignoring obvious red flags and allowing a certain type of behaviour or person to keep showing up in your life, time and again. 

Identifying ourselves as a common denominator is a powerful leverage point for us to enforce massive change, so it’s important to utilise this realisation in an empowering way.

The Fearless Dating and Fearless Life journeys are about being willing to fail out loud and that happens through trial and error, learning from our experiences and committing to being better and becoming more. 

It’s Einstein who says something along the lines of, the true definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different result and so that’s where we have to be careful. If we notice ourselves repeatedly experiencing something because we keep repeating a certain behaviour and then questioning why we’re no closer to what we want, we instead need to learn from previous failures by looking at what happened, the part we played and what we can do to learn and grow from it.

A really useful practice I do myself and with my clients is to look at the three things we did well and then identify the single most important upgrade we would like to make. By practising this regularly you can create immense growth and transformation, potentially more than you have experienced before in this area of your life. 

One of my clients put it beautifully the other week that your dating life can be your very own personal development journey. That’s why I’m so passionate about helping people in this area of their lives because it is such an opportunity to learn so much about yourself, and there’s so much you can learn about your dates and the types of relationships you want to create along the way too. Use this time powerfully, it’s a gold mine!

 

I’ve been divorced for a long time now, but also been in a serious relationship too. I’m not ready to delve into another relationship just yet but I just wanted to see what everyone talks about. It feels like you’re back to square one and things have changed, times have changed. For us, it’s more than just us because we’re all single parents, so a big part of us, we come as a package. So that’s a big thing for me that whoever I choose, even just to date, it impacts my girls and what I want out of it will impact them as well. And even just practical things, we’ve established a nice life for ourselves, but say I then want to move from here. It’s a whole move, within a family with another person who also has a family. I just wanted to see what you say about stuff like that because most of us here are divorced and coming as a single parent, so I wanted to see that aspect of it. But I realise I’m still sort of letting go of the past relationship and I need to be easy with myself. I don’t want to be on a rebound and be strong in myself. That cake analogy was really lovely btw. Be that person and have the beautiful relationship coming in, but that’s where I am atm.

My kids are trying to find me people! Ha ha When we’re going out, they’re looking at guys and saying, “Mum what about him?” So, it’s fun as well, as I’ve reached that stage with them. When they were young, they didn’t want me to meet anyone and now suddenly they want me to. It’s also getting to that change with children, how they react, so it’s quite a bit for us to encompass as single parents.

It is most definitely a package deal and so you need to be even more discerning on your dating journey because you’re not just considering yourself but also how it affects your family dynamic. Not just your future, but also your children’s, so absolutely, there’s a lot that needs to be taken into account.

This power of discernment is developed through regularly checking in with yourself about what you want, how you create that, and who you’re connecting with to try and create what you want with. Do your dates fit in the picture you have for what you’d like to create? 

My advice is always to take your time. Expose yourself to plenty of opportunities where it feels right for you and take your time with it, there is no rush. If we do feel you’re being rushed, that is where you need to be careful as that can be a red flag. Ask yourself why do you need to rush, who or what is applying this pressure to you? And answer honestly.

 

If you haven’t dated for a number of years, what’s the best way of going about this?

As I said previously, take your time. Don’t rush it. Feel your way through the process but expose yourself to many different opportunities. My advice is to cast your net wide. Open yourself to a wealth of opportunities that are available to you. Seek them out. We have friends and family, online dating sites and apps, dating events, we now have video dating too. There are so many options to choose from and I think it’s worthwhile dipping your toe in all of these worlds at some point because each of them helps you to develop a strong set of skills.

The way you communicate through your dating profile and online messaging is completely different to how you would communicate with someone if you met them at a dating event or through a family member or friend, but all of these ways of communicating are useful in terms of the skills they can help you build.

My perspective is to get yourself out there. Try as many of the opportunities available as you can, be careful to not overload yourself. With online dating, for example, I recommend you have one dating site and app profile running in parallel. Test them both out thoroughly. Use your tests to decide if a particular site or app works well for you or not. Sign up to events as you test online too and make sure you’re giving yourself time to devote enough attention to each opportunity because when we try and do lots of things at once, we become scattered and our energy towards them decreases so we can get poor results. Whereas, if you can show up to each form of dating powerfully and with a lot of presence, then you’re more likely to create great results. So, be willing to TEST, TEST, TEST! Cast your net wide, there are so many great opportunities and ways of meeting people and they can all provide you with such wonderful skills to become a confident dater and as a result, become confident with being in a relationship with someone you meet along the way.

 

Would you say widening your circle as well?

Yes, absolutely! Engage in your favourite hobbies and find ways to make them oriented around meeting new people. A client of mine was into jumping classes, I had never heard of them, but she loved them and met lots of lovely people through it, which aided her dating journey well. Also, do things a bit different from what you normally would. If hiking isn’t normally your thing, just try it, you never know who you might meet and what you might end up loving it too!

Say “YES!” more. If someone invites you to a party and you think, “I’m not going to know anyone, so I won’t go” instead encourage yourself to say “YES!” and go! Meet new people wherever you can, because every person is an opportunity to meet yet another group of people. You might not be attracted to someone immediately, but then who do they know that you might be attracted to? Keep widening your social circle again and again. 

The social circle is absolutely the way to go, STRETCH IT out as much as you can!

 

I was really hurt by my ex, how do I learn to trust again?

My common answer here tonight is about taking our time because if we do, we’re more able to spot red flags when they occur. People are always showing us who they really are and when it comes to dating, for some reason our standards tend to drop compared to other parts of our lives such as finances, career, health, family relationships, friends, etc. It can sometimes be because of a feeling that “if I don’t meet, or get with this person, when is the next one going to come along?”, “I’m getting older, my kids need a strong figure in their life apart from me”. So, we put this pressure on ourselves, to move faster than we should. When we’re moving fast, we can ignore all of the red flags about someone and our relationship with them. 

I was speaking to a client today, 6 dates in, her date had become very clingy and domineering of her, and has pushed her around a bit, physically and verbally. But she justified it by saying, “he’s a really good person and I like to see the good in people”. We have to be really careful where we’re justifying other people’s behaviours.

Pay very close attention to your dates, what they’re saying, how they’re treating you and other people. People are always dropping clues about who they really are. When we pay attention to these clues, we can learn to trust ourselves. A strong foundation begins to build within us, and we get to take this into our future experiences. 

Slow down, pay attention, watch out for red flags and respond to them powerfully and therein we build the trust. 

I want to press that there are good people out in the world of dating. Find a confidante that you can speak to whom you can express your thoughts on your dating journey: a friend, family member, coach, someone you can share these experiences with so you’re not just internalising them, this can hugely change how you experience your dating life.

 

So, is it better to date somebody who has kids that understands your situation/without?

Member: I’ve dated people who have been both married and not married. I was quite surprised how many people are quite accepting. People don’t mind, but it might not work out in the end because they’re not what you’re looking for in other areas of your life. Sometimes a connection supersedes all of this sort of stuff, if they’ve been/not married before. It doesn’t matter. As much as you think, this person has to be someone who’s been married before, or who also has kids, sometimes that’s really not important because of the connection you have.

Arti: At a certain point in our lives, we realise the quality of connection and dynamic we have with someone and the shared dream that we have is way more important than the “checklist” I mentioned earlier. I’ve spoken with people who’ve never been married, never had children, are open to being with someone who is divorced, has kids, or is widowed because it’s the connection that is important to them. Also, some people haven’t had the opportunity to have their own children and so to become part of a pre-existing family would be a dream come true. Now, more than ever, people are so open-minded. I would not narrow your search down. This is part of the testing process, so go out there and see who is willing to connect and create with you.

 

When is the best time to introduce your child to your new partner?

There’s no one size fits all for this. It is so dependent on where your child is at, from the one pushing you out the door to the one clinging onto you for dear life. For the latter, you’ve got to be really sure that the connection you’ve made with someone is worth it. If that child has experienced loss and abandonment and is frightened by that, then different people popping in and out of their lives is perhaps going to destabilise them further and they might ask the question “who can I trust/rely on?” So, we have to be careful. Nurture the relationship with your child to make it strong, secure, and make sure they know they’re still relevant and important in your life as you date. Be really sure that your connection with someone is worth introducing them into your child’s life. If you and your date are both ready to explore some sort of committed relationship together it may then make sense to slowly introduce them into your child’s life.