Member Stories

Life as a Thankful Student & Marrying my friend

As a hardcore spiritualist, I loved to jump into situations and try my luck. The only issue I see at hindsight? I tried my luck more than my hard work, until life decided to be a teacher..

I remember hugging a 7 year old girl when I was 16 myself, and I had an overwhelming feeling of wanting to be a mother to a girl. I started looking for my soulmate as I had a strong feeling that there were 2 of them, I was looking for. One would be my husband, and the other, our girl child. In college, I entered an emotionally abusive relationship which didn't teach me much back then, but turned my life upside down. I was selected for a job while I was doing my Bachelors and my parents ripped me out of that comfortable life to get rid of this boyfriend of mine. They sold our beautiful big house and I was forced to learn what life really was. At that time, I felt like I was punished for loving. I was proposed to, by someone I liked as a friend, in this workplace but I knew that my parents would never agree. I turned him down, not thinking much. I rebelled life in general and left that job.

Working in a better company and finally liking my life, I started to feel like I wanted my soulmate now. With the limits I had within what I could choose, I chose someone from the UK who seemed to be the man I was looking for. I moved here, gave birth to my soulmate daughter and lived the most miserable 7 years of my life with a man who knew no limit to emotional and financial abuse. I left all hope, I started hating myself, became a hollow human being and started questioning why I destroyed my life in search of my soulmate.

When things went out of hand, I decided to divorce and then life showed me what it was capable of, as the greatest teacher ever. I was on my knees almost every other day. But once I decided to divorce, I was a tigress- who knew her self worth, who had promised herself that she would never put her happiness down ever again. I started becoming independent, my wings started growing, had a full time job, bought my own 4 bed house, bought my dream Audi car, and my daughter was happier. The only dream left unfulfilled? I felt the gap of that soulmate again, a gap which was harder than I can imagine, to ignore.

I started looking for him again. I started looking for him after I had everything in place, for I didn't want to search for a husband who would help me with basics, or even luxury- I had them already. I made a few false presumptions, even fake fell in love as I was vulnerable emotionally, but stood back up after several emotional blows which acted like the building blocks of my real strong personality which I'm proud of, now.

I got close to marrying someone and he showed his true colours, and this was a devastating blow which I couldn't handle at that time. I felt like I lost all hope that love existed, and I finally decided to stay happy on my own. I trusted that my happiness was within me and wasn't bound to my future husband. I took a holiday to Spain and wore what I like, went where I wanted to, and spammed my FB with videos and photos. I felt like I had finally broken the final shackles that I was in earlier- I started to love myself and taught my daughter to do the same. I started fighting for my happiness, and didn't let anything stop me from reaching there.

After I returned from the holiday, I decided to flirt all I wanted, to express everything within me, and life changed around me. It was as magical as you can imagine. I had suddenly gain 9000 plus followers on FB. Hundreds of them started reaching out to me for reasons unknown. I messaged my colleague from my first workplace whom I mentioned about earlier, and he started flirting. He already was separated from his wife by then and was going through a divorce himself. For the first time in my life, I flirted back and called him the next day. While speaking over the phone, I randomly asked what he thought of me, and this question changed my life. Came to know that he always liked me that I had put his interest down 15 years back, else we would have been married much sooner.

I married him, my friend on the exact same date as I proposed him, after 5 months. My daughter who was bullied for not having a father, now not only has a father who loves her, but will fight the world for her happiness. My faith in this soulmate and my faith in life and miracles, all came together to make the most beautiful life of my dreams. I agree that it took me 15 years of immense pain and patience to reach a place where I'm mentally and emotionally a stronger and a better person. But I don't regret anything. If you're battling with problems, don't lose faith- as miracles are as excited to meet you as you are to meet them. Keep faith, don't try luck like I used to before. Work hard and love life like a Humble student. ❤️

Thanks and Regards

Gurpreet

I am a happily divorced mother of two beautiful daughters who are my pillars of strength and the reason behind my why.

I stayed in an abusive relationship for 13 years because I believed he would change! I believed he would love me as I loved him. I even left my family for him! I didn't want to leave because I didn't want to hear "I told you so" from family that didn't want me to marry him in the first place.

Now looking back yes, they were 100% right. Our loved ones can sometimes see things we can't and ultimately they only want the best for us.

He was a narcissist, abusive in all forms, making him a perpetuator of domestic abuse and coercive control.

It took 4 attempts to finally get away from this toxic man. I suffered mentally, physically, financially, and psychologically from all the trauma he put me through and have the physical scars to show. These scars are now the signs of strength and courage that I am a Kaur and I am a survivor.

It was a tough decision; do I stay and allow my girls to believe this is OK or do I get out and allow my girls to be free and grow up in a western society allowing them to be authentic and understand we are all worthy and most of all for me to be free because I deserve better, and I am worthy.

When I finally left in March 2013, I moved 6 times in a period of 3 years until I was divorced and brought my own home. Me and my eldest have severely struggled mentally, She has seen the abuse since the age of 2 and is currently having counselling to help her release and move on in her life.

Having contact with the father caused detrimental impact on the children, with the eldest attempting to end her life in 2019. This was due to it getting too much, it had been going on for years even after we left. Domestic abuse only gets worse once the survivor leaves! I lost my relationship with my daughter for 2 years due to the toxicity and manipulation caused by the father. We are now slowly rebuilding that relationship. Any healing journey is not linear and does have many ups and downs, but I have learnt we do have to be resilient in these cases.

At this point, I knew further changes needed to be made, so I had further healing of breaking trauma bonds, and generational healing. I am now blessed to be healed from the trauma. Anyone reading this, please go and get help if you need it, it is the best investment you can make for yourself, heal, release, and cut the trauma bonds that come with divorce and domestic abuse.

From my experience, I decided to train to help others- I am now a qualified Hypnotherapist and trainee psychotherapeutic counsellor, helping others who have been through a similar journey. I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel, after 20 years I am completely free, involving 7 years of court cases, for divorce, restraining orders, harassment cases and custody battles.

I joined ASP following my Instagram live about life after divorce, the holistic way with Jas Bamrah from "Jasbamrah Hypnotherapy". I am here to connect with like-minded ASPs and most of all share my story.

To any ASP, my advice is please reach out, help is available, there is no shame having therapy, it is good to talk, release yourself from the trauma of divorce. You have one life, you are worthy and deserve the best.

Many Thanks

Aman

Many mothers end up being single parents through the conventional route of divorce or separation. But there are also women who choose to have children using IVF or surrogacy. For those experiencing difficulties conceiving, this can provide much needed hope.

The following is a story of an Asian mother and ASP member who decided to take advantage of this option. Despite the unconventional route, she is still a single parent with all the difficulties and challenges that entails.

Read her story here: https://www.asian-voice.com/News/UK/Race-against-Time-A-Woman%27s-Battle-with-Biology

I'm Panisha, newly single mum of a 3 year old. Been part of ASP for 6 month's now. ASP has been part of my Wellbeing Toolkit, to be able to connect with others who understand my position and to feel a part of something is so heartwarming. My passions are Wellbeing, Writing and embracing life no matter what it throws!

It has been great to connect at a time where we feel so disconnected ( divorce and pandemic).

Read more about Panisha's journey in her blog here:
https://panishabutterfly.wordpress.com/2022/01/01/add-title-which-one-do-you-choose-for-me/

Father’s Day has always been a significant event for me since the birth of my only daughter, my Princess - Kiara, from the moment she was born, more than any other occasion in the year. I absolutely adore and love her to bits and have been a very hands on dad since birth. I was present at the birth (a natural birth) and saw her first before cutting the umbilical chord and passing her to her mum. That moment has to be the best moment of my life, and I am sure any dad who has been there would say there is nothing that can top this.

Things became very difficult and the ex (who has an amazing professional career going for her since she married me and came to this country) became extremely controlling of Kiara and aggressive post birth which I still can’t understand, suggested her therapy, etc but she didn’t want to undertake any.

It came to a point when I couldn’t take it anymore and proposed separation /divorce and parent our daughter equally and give her a fulfilling life as separated parents like many other couples who amicably separate do. I filed for a divorce as she wanted to continue living in this broken marriage and I didn’t.

Unfortunately she didn’t take this very well and said I can’t have her for equal time as in his country “fathers only her every other weekend and half of holidays”. When she said this and I did my research, unfortunately I found out that this was sadly true for many dads. Still my heart didn’t allow me to be a weekend dad for my Princess. I wanted to do be part of every aspect of her upbringing as I had been. She had just turned 5 then.

I proposed mediation to come to an agreement but she rejected and filed for full custody. After 2-3 years in Family courts and 8 hearings overcoming several false allegations - self representing while ex had solicitor and barrister going for her, my perseverance paid off and now we have 50/50 for last 2 years which has been brilliant for Kiara as she spends equal time with both parents which could have been agreed at the very beginning. But perhaps it was the test I had to overcome to prove that a Dad is equally if not more important in a child’s life. Everything else in life - career, finances, etc took a major setback as the only thing I decided to focus on was my daughter and being in her life. This picture is on her 8th Birthday- just me and her having her favourite meal in her favourite restaurant ❤️

If you are a dad reading this, give your child/ren unconditional love and support no matter what comes your way. If you are a mum reading this, hope you have encouraged a relationship with the dad (if he doesn’t want to be involved then that’s a different thing). Happy Father’s Day ❤️#DadsMatter #HappyFathersDay #NeverGiveUp

Sonia: My journey July 2010 - January 2021

For the first time in over 10 years my mum and dad came over to my house today. We celebrated Mothers Day together and probably the first one where we actually talked to each other and it didn't end up in a battle between me and my mum over my ex and so I think its about time I tell people my journey...

I wanted a happier and peaceful life for me and my boys, so given that its Mothers Day today its time to tell all the fight I have endured for over 10 years. My boys are my world and every step, every day, every argument, every tear shed is so that we could be happy! A toxic relationship is not the right environment for children..but if only everyone understood that.

My journey began in 2010, over 10 years ago when I realised my marriage wasn't what I thought it was. Fast forward 2 years, after trying to make it work, it dawned on me that I needed to get out! I am not going to divulge the ins and outs of why, but the marriage was over for a number of reasons.

Being from the Asian community this was always going to be tough but I never actually realised how difficult it was going to be until I started to put the wheels in motion.

To give a bit of background, I had already given up my career to try and meet his expectations and make my marriage work, so I worked part time for my parents and had 2 young children. My ex worked for my parents too and had done for several years.

When I told my family I wanted out from my marriage there was absolute uproar and no support whatsoever for me. My mum and dad couldn't see the truth. They were on his side...they were absolutely blinded as all they could see was that we had to stay together for the sake of our children! He had manipulated them completely and my mental heath was irrelevant. My marriage was broken completely. I had no emotional support and no where to turn too...worked for my family...they just could not understand why I wanted to be free...I felt trapped in prison and could see no way out.

To cut a really long story relatively short, I decided I needed to start over again by building my life back up so I was able to free myself.
I left working for my family, against their wishes and re started my career working part time only, as I still had to fulfil all my wife and mum duties...and as far as he and my family were concerned that was my job, and as he worked for them there was no movement on that!

Slowly as the boys got older I increased my working hours and got my career back on track by 2016.

Fast forward to 2017 there was still very little emotional support from my family with regards to divorcing...but at least I had some kind of life. I loved my job...the boys were doing well..but I was deeply unhappy. Many of you may ask well why didnt you just leave? ?

And the simple answer was that I love my family and I was desperate for their approval "its ok Sonia...We understand your pain and why you want a divorce", but all they saw that he was golden boy and I was the difficult one and I basically needed to put up and shut up, no matter what was going on behind closed doors!

For over 7 years I tried to make my family see the truth but they were wearing rose tinted glasses! I was at constant war with them, we would go over and he was treated like a king...so as the saying goes, give someone an inch, and they will take a mile is exactly what happened! He knew they were not supportive of me wanting to divorce, so he took full advantage and manipulated them against me even more...it wasn't until late 2017 they fell out with him over business, they saw what I had been going on about for years!

Finally I thought I can be free...but no!!

Here came battle number 2! Divorce proceedings! Money!!!! I just wanted out, but he didn't make it easy and decided to drag my whole family through court including my sister and my elderly parents.

2018 divorce proceedings began, still with both of us living under the same roof. However, I now had the support of my family without them I wouldn't not be able to tell my tale.

My family now supported me no end...yes we had our moments...lots of tears...arguments...breakdowns...but finally they could see the need to be free and I don't have the words or the ability to express my gratitude to them for all they have done.

3 years later
5 court dates
2 three day trials I am finally free....I never thought this day would come!

The hardest part of my journey was living under the same roof for over 10 years...I am not going to go into all the details, but it was not a pleasant atmosphere is an understatement....

Just imagine going to court...fighting my corner then coming back to the same house.

I have been tried and tested in ways I thought were unimaginable...the emotional impact that this has had on me and my boys is unreal...I am extremely blessed to have level headed boys who have kept me going.
There never has or ever will be a custody battle... no matter what has happened between me and my ex, he is still their dad and how their relationship grows and develops is down to him and them...

My friends, my family, my work family have listened to me for years, day in day out...the tears... the tantrums...the lows and now the highs...they have been on this journey with me too and I cannot thank them enough for their support... below is just one of my messages from my girls ...I love this...I read this again and again...she pretty much sums it all up in one!

I’m so proud of you!!!! You’ve endured things that no woman or mother should have had to go through and you did it consistently with poise and grace and dignity. I always told you that good will prevail evil and yesterday’s ruling proved that. You’re still not over the hard times - and I have to tell you that honestly because I love you. But what you have proved is that whatever life throws at you, you’re tough enough and worthy enough to take it in your stride and come out fighting like the badass bitch you are!! Congratulations Ms Gupta!! You’re my soldier princess - now go straighten your crown and hold your head up high!!! Love you always.

So just as she said here I go!

Saroj shares her journey:

I am a divorced single mum and I was physically and mentally abused by my ex after five days of marriage. I stayed in this abusive relationship for a further seventeen years because of the stigma in the Asian culture. I felt trapped and couldn't get out, my ex was an alcoholic and kept making me feel like I was a failure.

My son aged 16 at the time, had seen enough of what was going on, and felt it was mentally disturbing and causing the family to break down. My children were scared of hearing the abusive shouting by their dad. There came a time I managed to call the police as my ex tried to physically abuse me again. I just had enough. All I could think of was to protect and give a new life to my children, and this meant being a single mum. It was a hard choice I had to make.

I struggled with finances after my separation, bringing up two teenagers on my own and living in a rented property. I was working, but my pay didn't suffice so I started claiming benefits. I had no savings at the end, my children were growing and needed clothing and books, but the bills just kept piling up. At the same time, I kept thinking did I make the right choice leaving my ex. We were struggling, but I kept holding onto the hope that things might change for the better, but instead, the worst happened.

We all went through depression seeking counselling and we sadly lost my son (forever 19) through suicide. My daughter refused contact from her dad, knowing he was the cause.

My daughter was affected so much, she wasn't doing well at school and isolated herself from everyone. I knew her wellbeing was more important than her grades at this point. I had to change her thinking, and become her strength and encouragement. It was very difficult for me losing one child too, but I knew I needed to be her strength. I studied with her as I couldn't afford a tutor, going out enjoying bonding time that was affordable, and slowly I could see changes. I knew she wasn't cut out for A levels. She is enjoying a Btec course in sports at a college and this has built her confidence again and making new friends. Teachers who are supportive are an added bonus. I needed to focus and list what her passions in life are and help her in achieving these. I will keep on believing she will succeed. She now knows she has a future and looking at university for her to progress even further. I also made some changes, giving up my office job in the city and became a Wellbeing Team Lead. I am an inspiration speaker on Mental Health raising community awareness and help run various Mental Health promotional activities. I have started writing mantras for happiness and motivation and started drawing again as it has always been a passion.

I have become my daughter's best friend as she is more open to me and able to talk. I always praise and encourage with opportunity what lies in the future and I believe in her so she can believe.

Sometimes it's not only education, but that special bonding time is required. Its hard being a single mum as financially you can't afford everything, but making new memories is priceless.

We joined Asian Single Parents, made new friends as there is always a fun social gathering on the agenda. In addition, there's always support on the group where we are able to get further advice. We have become a part of a family, and as new members join the bigger our family grows.

A FATHER’S TALE

In the vast majority of divorce cases, the status of primary parent is automatically awarded to the mother. For some women, children become tools by which to batter their ex-husbands into submission. In addition, by having control of the day-to-day lives of the children, she is ideally positioned to coach and influence them in their thinking. Parents who are not allowed to engage with their children, suffer from a phenomenon known as ‘Parental Alienation’ and is more evident amongst single fathers. Co-parenting is great in principle, but its success is wholly dependent on equal cooperation and understanding by both parties. Where this is not forthcoming, fathers can feel alienated and struggle to come to terms with their loss. The mother on the other hand has the children to focus on. The daily school run, the after-school clubs, arranging activities etc. Indeed, the kids can provide a much-needed purpose to her life. I am not saying that the life of a single mother is in any way easy, far from it, it is stressful and difficult. But, for the father, it is a lonely, isolated, and depressing existence. I went from a full-time father to a part-time nobody.

Despite court orders, it is still up to the mother to facilitate and encourage contact with the father. If that willingness does not exist, the father is left pleading to see his own children. Taking matters to court is an option, but it is a lengthy process and takes its toll on everyone concerned, including the children. Some single fathers end up suffering huge stress and anxiety, making their work and personal life unbearable. Is it any wonder that many decide to move away, start a new life to escape the frustration, and thereby risk being labelled ‘absent father’. I decided to stay, to see my boys whenever I could no matter how long the interval, to speak to them whenever the phone was answered and to keep my love for them alive. Eight years down the road, my boys are now young adults, making their own decisions about their futures and choosing to include me in their lives. My perseverance seems to have paid off, but I cannot help feeling that this journey did not need to have been so painful.

To those fathers in similar positions, my advice is to stay strong, do whatever is necessary to maintain contact (no matter how brief) and to look after your health. Remember, you are the only father your children have.

The fairy tale

I don’t think anyone dreams of becoming a single parent, we dream of a perfect life with your soulmate and raising amazing children with them. I had everything that other people dreamed of. The big 4 bedroom house in Surrey, the flashy cars, trips abroad 4 times a year. We were living the life, so it may seem. However it wasn’t enough, I just wasn’t happy. My relationship was not what it seemed, I was doing it all, working part-time, looking after my 2 babies, I felt powerless, stuck, not good enough and my self-esteem had plummeted, my health was suffering, in essence, I was exhausted. I couldn’t see a way out until I couldn’t take it anymore, I decided I’d had enough and the single parent journey begins.

Coming out with the truth

Leaving was the only decision I felt I had. It was scary, the security, the fear of the unknown, my boys were only 4.5 and 2.5 years old. Where do I go? What do I do? Who do I tell? The shame, the guilt. I was making myself ill. I dreaded telling my parents who lived in India. So many questions and I had no answers. One day I was in a park with my boys, I looked and felt miserable. My SIL said out the blue, “I know you’re not happy, you don’t need to live this way you know”. Suddenly the tears flowed and I broke down. I said “how do you know?” She said, “We’ve known for a while, it’s obvious”. I ended up staying a couple of nights and pouring out my heart and soul. I went home and started to organise my exit plan. It took 6 months, counseling, and countless trips to the Royal Marsden for diagnostics thinking the worst and planning to leave, telling the in-laws and my husband. I just knew that year 2008 was the last Christmas I was going to have with all of them. After Christmas, I plucked up the courage and went to tell them with my A4 clipboard and notes, so I didn’t miss a single thing. They were shocked and said things that I’m embarrassed to repeat. My husband has a lot of issues that they didn’t know about so I can understand their disbelief.

July 4th

Living with someone for 6 months knowing that I’m leaving was the hardest part of this all. We were civil, he buried his head in the sand. I was relieved there were no more arguments. I had organised a flat for us to live in, the nursery for my youngest and a primary school for my eldest. I can’t til this day believe how easy everything fell into place. It’s like the universe had my back. All the worries and anxiety felt like they had melted away. I was finally leaving the misery behind and living a new life. Still scared, still anxious but I was somehow ok with it all. The day came to pack up and move. Independence day I called it, well it was July the 4th after all. My husband wanted to help so I let him, and we finally moved to our new flat to start our new life.

Today, 12 years on

It felt weird at first, knew everything and happy again. Took time to build myself up again. I got into personal development as I wanted answers and so grateful I did. We stayed in West London for 4.5 half years and made some wonderful friends. I joined some social groups and came across Aruna and ASP (Asian Single Parents Network). I was amazed to see so many women in my shoes and I wasn't alone. I quickly joined and went to quite a few events. It was amazing not only for me but also for my boys. Grateful to have found them. Their dad and I kept in touch and agreed we wanted what’s best for them and made their visits consistent. I did meet someone and we dated for 3 years, it was the best experience. We moved to South London and we are still here. I got a job at a school doing science and now that they’re teenagers, I moved into science management, a job I absolutely love. I also trained to be a breakthrough freedom coach and I help people all over the world with shifting their negative limiting beliefs, emotions, and fears, I love it. My biggest lesson in all this that I realised I needed to take responsibility for my own happiness and have fun with life and I do just that.

Our first story comes from a former member, Mina Thompson.

The ‘For Sale’ sign had only just gone up and the family down the street were in there like a flash, wanting to have a look around. They had outgrown their more modest dwelling and needed the upgrade to our slightly larger one. At just 7, he was entirely competent doing the tour, pointing out rooms, giving a little detail, here or there, including, at one point, that his parents were getting divorced, which, he explained, was why the house was being sold. The import of those words falling amidst the awkward silence of the adults in the room…, that will stay with me forever.

We had decided he was too young to know what was going on in the time leading up to the divorce, and so when we told him, there was suddenly little time for him to come to terms with it before we prepared to move. I don’t know if there is a right or a wrong time. Years later he told me he resented us both for telling him so late. We had destroyed his security, de-stabilised his life, and he had no say in any of it.

Ten years on and this is so hard to write. Our shattered dreams are the pain of a million shards. We have survived them, but only just. We have moved on, and grown, and changed, are settled happier, and yet… it all remains – those moments suspended in time – just there – within our reach – joy, love, suffering, anger, blame, tears, lawyers, alcohol, shouting, fighting, deep deep depressions. Gouges in our souls. And the light that we created and loved and wanted - so precious – so so precious - caught up in the storm.

We can’t protect our children. We aren’t meant to. We can’t protect them from our failings. We can’t protect them from Life.

Single mom removed from the familiar, in a foreign land. The support structure was not here. It was miles and miles, and oceans away, in different time zones. Just as well they could not see. Their age and ailments and realities could not be burdened upon. It would not have been right. So sucking it up, with lipstick painted on, boarding trains for stretching hours, you stared out windows and willed yourself to keep the thoughts at bay. Because it would not do to come unravelled – not for the weary fellow commuters who would flounder at the awkwardness. Nor the little arms waiting back at home.

There were other moments too. After the divorce. That first 20 minute walk across the field where the kids played football, past the kids play area that was to be just at our doorstep, and the cosy pub with the real fire place with a real fire. That first walk to collect keys to the first piece of real estate that was to be my own (well.., and the bank’s). And when I showed him where we would both now live, and what would be his room, and he gave me the two thumbs up and my heart soared to the skies…, that moment will stay with me forever.

Half a family is double the stretch at the purse strings. My commute was longer, and the funds would go no further than the basic bills, and his father and I could not agree visiting arrangements without an argument, and the blame and anger were close companions at each pick up. The strain was immense. Long day after long day, journey after journey, 10 years of commute culminated my fatigue. And there was no light ahead. It was all untenable. I was falling. “Untenable” - the word pounded my brains. Alarm bells ringing in my head left me for days in bed – a position we could ill afford.

So, I packed up our bags and moved us again. Too soon. We destabilised again. New schools in quick succession. We moved just far enough of a drive where the accents were different but he could still see his dad. But it felt so different for him that it may as well have been a different language. My salvation, though unconnected, became his fire. He didn’t belong. Didn’t fit. Was bullied. Everything changed for him. He suffered. And the memory of that, for him, lingers on.

Forgiving myself will take time. The options were limited. Right or Wrong – these aren’t signs on the roads we take. There are just different roads.

In Black and White, the images – the judgements – they are stark.

But today… today I looked at the photographs. Six years since our move and I have collected many photographs. The occasions, the holidays, the celebrations, the random. Few reflect back the woefulness I feel in the recounting. I would say we hide it well to pose for the lens, but the eyes in the photographs don’t lie. Today I looked at the photographs and thought ‘he’ll be alright’. I feel, I did alright. I sensed, ‘we are alright’. If I have one thing to say, it is this: ” Take photographs! They add colour to your memories which, in the judgement, are in Black and White”.

Picture Credit: https://bit.ly/36afN8l

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