Saroj's Story
I am a divorced single mum and I was physically and mentally abused by my ex after five days of marriage. I stayed in this abusive relationship for a further seventeen years because of the stigma in the Asian culture. I felt trapped and couldn’t get out, my ex was an alcoholic and kept making me feel like I was a failure.
My son aged 16 at the time, had seen enough of what was going on, and felt it was mentally disturbing and causing the family to break down. My children were scared of hearing the abusive shouting by their dad. There came a time I managed to call the police as my ex tried to physically abuse me again. I just had enough. All I could think of was to protect and give a new life to my children, and this meant being a single mum. It was a hard choice I had to make.
I struggled with finances after my separation, bringing up two teenagers on my own and living in a rented property. I was working, but my pay didn’t suffice so I started claiming benefits. I had no savings at the end, my children were growing and needed clothing and books, but the bills just kept piling up. At the same time, I kept thinking did I make the right choice leaving my ex. We were struggling, but I kept holding onto the hope that things might change for the better, but instead, the worst happened.
We all went through depression seeking counselling and we sadly lost my son (forever 19) through suicide. My daughter refused contact from her dad, knowing he was the cause.
My daughter was affected so much, she wasn’t doing well at school and isolated herself from everyone. I knew her wellbeing was more important than her grades at this point. I had to change her thinking, and become her strength and encouragement. It was very difficult for me losing one child too, but I knew I needed to be her strength. I studied with her as I couldn’t afford a tutor, going out enjoying bonding time that was affordable, and slowly I could see changes. I knew she wasn’t cut out for A levels. She is enjoying a Btec course in sports at a college and this has built her confidence again and making new friends. Teachers who are supportive are an added bonus. I needed to focus and list what her passions in life are and help her in achieving these. I will keep on believing she will succeed. She now knows she has a future and looking at university for her to progress even further. I also made some changes, giving up my office job in the city and became a Wellbeing Team Lead. I am an inspiration speaker on Mental Health raising community awareness and help run various Mental Health promotional activities. I have started writing mantras for happiness and motivation and started drawing again as it has always been a passion.
I have become my daughter’s best friend as she is more open to me and able to talk. I always praise and encourage with opportunity what lies in the future and I believe in her so she can believe.
Sometimes it’s not only education, but that special bonding time is required. Its hard being a single mum as financially you can’t afford everything, but making new memories is priceless.
We joined Asian Single Parents, made new friends as there is always a fun social gathering on the agenda. In addition, there’s always support on the group where we are able to get further advice. We have become a part of a family, and as new members join the bigger our family grows.