Member Query: Discussing Absent Parent’s Birthday
Members sometimes reach out to the Network with queries on various topics. They can receive a combination of responses as other members offer their suggestions and so does ASPN which may include general advice or links to resources.
In our recent query, a member is asking for advice on acknowledging the other parent’s birthday if the child has no contact with them:
“Today is my daughter’s dad’s birthday. She has had no contact with him since she was 2 yrs old except for presents on Christmas and her birthday. She is now 6 yrs old. She has mixed feelings about him, understandably. She doesn’t usually bring him up but I’ve noticed that around friends she does acknowledge (and I do too) that she does have a dad. My question to this group: Would you mention to her that it’s his birthday today? It’s clearly on my mind as it still means something to me, but not to her, really. But I’m thinking that if it were, say her grandad’s birthday, who she also doesn’t remember as he passed away when she was 4, we would probably acknowledge it and I would be the one bringing it up… so maybe I should for her dad too or am I better off not reminding her of something unpleasant for her?”
Disclaimer: Please note that this is not legal advice, but responses are based on the experiences of some of our members.
Member Responses
Member 1
Hi, it is difficult and can understand how birthdays can make you feel. Depends on what the circumstances of no contact are and how she reacts or feels when you mention her dad. It’s sad that she doesn’t have contact and I’m sure there are reasons for that. At 6 years old children are having more understanding and it’s good for them to know more about the other parent. It must also be an emotional time for you too with memories etc. At the end of the day as her mum you will know whether it’s a good idea or not to mention the birthday. I would say I do talk to my children sometimes about their dad if something comes up like an occasion and how we used to celebrate it etc and how we were as a family. They like to know but have noticed sometimes they get triggered and like to isolate things. I do encourage the children to celebrate Father’s Day; dad’s birthday etc makes them feel more like their peers. Everyone’s circumstances are different and there’s no fixed rule book on what you should do. It really depends on your circumstances and what you feel would be best for her. X
Member 2
I would mention it regardless as it’s part of her identity and it’s good to talk about difficult things. If we don’t talk to our kids, other people will. Its always good to have the conversation first.
Member 3
It’s an engaging read, and I admire your honesty in considering your daughter’s best interests. Children usually start to remember things around the age of 5 or 6. I recommend having an open discussion with her to better understand what she wants to do, and respect her choices…
Member 4
I feel, the truth must be reminded of to the children. Otherwise, this can create confusion in them and insecurities in their minds which can reflect in their own future relationships and how they see other men and dads.
Member 5
Yesterday was my daughter’s dad’s birthday. She is nearly 4 and has not had contact with him since she was 1. She does not receive cards, gifts, or any form of communication from him.It was on my mind but I didn’t mention it to her. Whilst my mind was busy, she had a gorgeous day in the sun, completely oblivious. Unlike with me, his birthday isn’t a part of her emotional calendar, and bringing it up would potentially stir confusing feelings. Birthdays are so much fun for my daughter, it would hurt her to consider why does he not spend his birthday with her. Personally, I would wait for a point in time if / when your daughter shows an interest in knowing when his birthday is. She will choose herself whether this carries importance to her as she grows. Again, this is just my perspective.
Member 6
If he keeps in touch with her, then the child would have known and celebrated. However, if the dad is not in touch then is it worth sharing? A father is someone who wants to share his life with his children even if separated.
Member 7
Sounds like a very mature, sensible approach from the member in question. We should avoid letting our pain become our children’s pain!
