Members sometimes reach out to the Network with queries on various topics. They can receive a combination of responses as other members offer their suggestions and so does ASPN which may include general advice or links to resources.

A member has recently put forward a query focused on the concern over a lack of communication about overnight stays:

“I’m living with my husband and in the process of a divorce. Till the property sells we are forced to live under the same roof. We have children under 13 with us. My question: is there any legal requirement for him to let me know when he is staying overnight anywhere else? He has done this a couple of times now without running it by me. He says “I tell the kids so that’s enough”. What happens if I’m going out the same day, surely he should be grown up enough to inform me first?”

Disclaimer: Please note that this is not legal advice, but responses are based on the experiences of some of our members.

Member 1

Oh gosh, so sorry to hear this. If he was a responsible parent he should share this with you, but also it cannot be easy information for you either to hear. I think you should be clear with him how many times he has done this (if you know the number mention it) in writing on a text perhaps. It’s good to have it documented that you are aware how many times you have not been informed and have had to deal with childcare alone at short or no notice. And ask him to inform you as you also have a life and plan but as a responsible parent your priority is your kids first.

Later on these things will be very helpful for you as he may start denying he did any of this, so it’s good to have these conversations in a written format. That’s what I would suggest…

Ultimately, he is an adult and can do what he wants, but he cannot just tell the kids – if they are under 18, he cannot assume telling them is enough. Does he expect children under 13 to stay home alone or look after themselves when he is not around? That is a safeguarding risk (you can even mention that in your text as it shows you are aware and are picking these things up). It’s a good, gentle but firm reminder to him that you are making note of his behaviour that impacts the children and you.

Member 2

If you don’t have one, what you may benefit from is a clear child care schedule while you are still living together so you both know who will be responsible for looking after the children. An app like TimeTree or other coparenting apps are good for this. Start how you both mean to go on and consider how you will organise yourselves when you live separately.

He should then of course let you know if he will be unable to care for them on his set days, although without a court order this is unfortunately not a legal requirement and if he fails to parent on his set days, he cannot be forced by law.

Member 3

No legal requirement, married or not, living under the same roof or not. Yes, out of courtesy he should. Maybe she should have a co-parenting plan in place for the children.

Member 4

There is no legal requirement to tell anyone as there is a deliberate breakdown of communication (voluntarily or enforced) by one partner.

No legal rights at this point as it feels he is in the process of estrangement and disengagement.

Member 5

I did this for years. We put a routine in place so we had different days we were responsible for children so no drama.

Member 6

No requirement. The key is communicating who will be looking after the kids. He shouldn’t just randomly dictate he will stay out x night, as you may also have had plans. But you need to both communicate your intentions so someone is with the kids overnight.

Additional advice

We have also received a response from Divorce Consultant and Coach, Rhiannon Ford:

“There isn’t a formal legal requirement for your husband to tell you when he is going out, I’m afraid.

But you do share parental responsibility for the children and as such he should be discussing with you when either of you wishes to go out, to ensure the other is available to care for the children.

It should not just be left up to you and you should also be able to go out yourself without worrying that you can’t make plans because you don’t know your husband’s plans. It is also not appropriate for him to simply tell the children of his plans. It is not their responsibility to tell you. He should be discussing his plans with you directly.

If you are not on speaking terms, perhaps you could agree another way to coordinate when each of you wishes to go out? A shared calendar? You should also agree to providing a certain amount of notice to each other, so the other is aware and can make their own plans accordingly.

Whilst neither of you are under an obligation to tell the other where you are or who you are with, it would be common courtesy to communicate with each other in some way about when each of you will be out of the house – from when until when.”

Marc Etherington, Family Lawyer, also has a video on Instagram discussing what parents can do when living in the same household.