Members sometimes reach out to the Network with queries on various topics. They can receive a combination of responses as other members offer their suggestions and so does ASPN which may include general advice or links to resources.

One of our members recently asked for advice on overcoming post-divorce guilt:

“I can’t stop feeling guilty about the divorce, not because it is the wrong decision as I know in my heart I deserve better. The guilt stems from my very young children (aged 4 and 2) who will now have a “broken home” – it makes me feel terrible inside. I do everything for my kids and am present every day, and that day I won’t see them for the first time in my life fills me with sadness and I preempt I’ll just breakdown. However, I can’t begin to think what will go through their tiny minds. Has anyone been through this with young kids? Has anyone experienced the guilt I am. How do you get past it?“

Disclaimer: Please note that this is not legal advice, but responses are based on the experiences of some of our members.

Member 1

I’m in a similar position and ages with my children but children are resilient at that age. As the parent (they need to communicate with the other parent) to best speak to the children and perhaps engage in some counselling or therapy themselves? ‎

Member 2

Yes. I have been through it big time and I knew when my wife put in the divorce application, everything will be destroyed and dismantled systematically and unemotionally.

Unfortunately, that is the plight of divorce and families being broken and tiny minds being played with. I have seen all this and am still seeing it in front of my eyes yet I could not do anything but getting washed in by the tsunami of emotions and thoughts.

The bright part is… there is still life after that. There is always clear vision after the storm, you just need to ride the storm.

You will be benefitted by having sessions with a psychologist (and let me tell you there is no shame or taboo in talking to a psychologist). Also, see your GP and ask them to help you with some medication in short term to get over this overwhelming overthinking phase.

Surround yourself with it’s supportive and positive people, develop a new hobby, talk to strangers, take up yoga , take up any sports or just swimming out your kids, take trips outside the city/ country if possible, join a support group or a spiritual group if you can or if you follow faith then do imbibe it too. Just don’t lose hope and don’t let the negative thoughts come close to you.

Talk to good people in the ASPN network.

Keep the faith it will soon be over, it is happening all for good. ‎

Member 3

I was very guilty about ‘breaking up the family’ too, and I had lots of ppl throwing the term ‘broken home’ in my face when I was making my decision. My daughter was just under 15 months when we split up. She is now 6.

3 things helped me

1. Counsellors (not family) pointing out that our notion of home comes from our own healthy 2 parent homes, hence the stigma with ‘broken home’. But given our context we need to shift the reference to healthy home vs unhealthy home and if ur split/ broken home is the healthy home, then that’s what you and your child should have.

2. The most important conversation was with someone who asked me if I knew that separating was right for me and the child and if I could hold on to this truth, esp on the days that my daughter would turn around and throw it in my face. It could be on angry days for the littlest of things- like if i didn’t let her have ice cream- and if she said ‘if I had a dad, maybe he’d let me have the ice cream’.

And I knew I could.

And I am able to be a better, healthier, happier and more able mama to my daughter now than I could be if I were still in the marriage. So she now has 1 very capable parent. And a child needs at least 1 capable parent.

3. There is enough anecdotal and empirical evidence out there that shows that kids adapt better at a younger age. So esp if you know you’re going to separate, rather than leaving it for when they are older, say teenage or GCSE years, do it earlier. Kids see through the lies and very often more damage is done if you try and justify ‘I stayed in the bad marriage for you’

FWIW, my daughter and I are very happy and healthy. Ofcourse she has questions and emotions, as do I. But I’ve left the channel of comms open with her if she ever wants to ask about her dad or has questions. I can tell that every few months, as she grows up, her feelings towards her dad change and I know they will continue to change.. Happy to answer specific questions 121 if he/she wants details.

Member 4

Kids are way more resilient than we give them credit for. If they are with their other parent for the day / weekend they will have fun and that parent if responsible and lives the kids will be fine. The issues are with us in our heads and we have to let go a little, and trust that the other parent loves them and will care for their wellbeing too .

Member 5

Hi to the member;

I can completely relate to this and had such a strong sense of guilt as my children were very young – one child 18 months and the other nearly 7. I think the guilt may be a combination of the loss of the family unit and also your own expectations of what life should have been. Divorce with young children is an extremely difficult process.

I think you need to understand firstly how you are coping with your current situation and just manage each day. I would suggest checking in on your mental health guilt can be linked to anxiety and low mood. I’m sure you are probably doing a fantastic job but remember you need to prioritise caring for yourself too.

I would suggest simple things like going for a walk when you feel overwhelmed listening to music if you feel these thoughts of guilts in your mind let them come but not dwell on them. I would also advise if you can therapy or talking therapies which is a free nhs service. Maybe speak to someone you trust a family member or friend and try to talk about your feelings. It is very difficult for the children and everyone’s reason for divorce is different. Young children 4 and 2 heavily rely on there primary carer for support I would just try to focus on there day to day needs and make sure you are okay too so you can look after them. It is very normal to feel guilty but also recognise the thoughts we are having and process them.

It’s not a easy process but please do look after yourself and I’m sure you are doing your best for them 

Member 6

My daughter was 2 when I got separated, and it’s not easy for anyone that’s involved. Here’s what I did with my daughter…

– I got books that explained that some kids have two homes, and that’s okay. I think I got about three to four books and read them daily to her.

– I let her have access to her dad without any restrictions but still having firm boundaries to protect myself.

– I answered my daughter’s questions as she grew up but never shared what happened between us and said we just didn’t get on anymore.

The one thing I did do was work on myself, though, and that freed up a lot of the guilt. I changed the way I saw the word “family” from how society saw it, and this shifted a lot for me.

Member 7

I felt guilty before I separated. I felt my child (now nearly 3) will grow up without a father and will feel upset when he sees others with their father.

However, he does see his father and so there will be some relationship there as long as the father wants it and commits to it.

I feel children are psychologically better off seeing each parent away from each other than in the same home if there are toxic behaviours.

My child has been thriving since as soon as I separated because he was no longer witnessing abusive behaviours and a tense, stressed out mother.

My boys were 1.5 and 3.5 when I separated from my husband. What I realised is how resilant and adaptable children are. I think we take on that guilt and stress naturally but as long as the children are happy and get into a routine they will continue thriving. And honestly it’s really full on as a single parent so the days that you have to yourself will become a moment for you to destress and do something nice for yourself. I personally really needed these days to reset emotionally and mentally. Not being with them all the time will take some getting used to but It will be really good for you and they will come home to a happy refreshed parent.

And don’t feel like it’s a broken home, they still have everything they need so think of it as change of logistics.

Member 8

This is perhaps the biggest issue that keeps people in an unhappy relationship.

My biggest concern was losing the day to day contact with my daughters, hearing about the little details of the day over dinner. I, however, was very lucky that my divorce came when my youngest was already 16, so there was no court sanctioned custody/visiting agreements. For that, I am extremely grateful.

I took counselling and still do, albeit, now my sessions are everyday issues and building and maintaining my relationship with my adult daughters by improving my communication.

The lessons I learnt, even though I didn’t want to hear it from my therapist at the time, is that the biggest gift you can give your kids is to be present, give them safety and security when they’re with you, to love them unconditionally and to make every moment that you do have with them count. Your family has a huge role to play in supporting you in the above goals.

My therapist told me that she has had male clients whose children did form a close relationship with their father after a period of time once they were able to experience the consistency and love from that parent and workout for themselves what was actually true.

With such young children, your member will understandably feel extreme anxiety about their kids and their relationship with them, but if they put that at the core of their decision making over the coming months and years, then they increase the chances of giving those kids a positive outcome from the relationship breakup. Try to replace guilt with love and honesty and avoid being critical of their ex (very, very hard to do!) and seek counselling from outside your family (a professional with no skin in your relationship with your ex) so that your focus remains remaining healthy and positive for the kids. The kids need both parents to show up emotionally for them…..guilt leading to breakdown will not help the kids. I used that as my focus, to work on myself, so I could keep showing up for my kids. It’s much easier said than done, but I never saw an alternative if I didn’t want the guilt to transfer to my kids.

Apologies for the long rambling response but the future well-being of the kids is so central to being able to move forward.

The other proactive decision I took was that I was going to live my life, not just exist through it.

All of the positive steps you can take improve the chances of a positive outcome for the kids. Stay focussed on those steps. ‎

Member 9

It’s important not to feel guilty, your decision was based on valid reasons and your kids deserve a happy stable parenting versus being stuck in a household of arguments which would only have had long term impact on them. If you give them love, reassurance they need, they will be fine. No home is broken just because there is only one parent in it. Time has evolved, women are stronger than they have ever been. Look out for yourself, your financial independence, and don’t be afraid to seek help for the kids like school clubs. Not witnessing daily arguments and unhappiness around them constantly is a much better outcome than having all of those things. I know its hard, but you can do this. You’ve done the hard part now, now time to look forward

Member 10

I so understand how you feel. I felt the same way when I thought of leaving. I realised that broken is how society would perceive me. It was the voices of all the aunties that were taunting me. The truth is that I am not broken. I have outgrown a difficult relationship. I have taken ownership of my feelings and acknowledged what I will not stay were I will be dishonoured, disrespected.

Please don’t beat yourself you. You have stepped up and out. This takes courage. Begin to see that. Instead of looking at yourself in shame. Change the narrative in your mind.

This is what you are role modelling to your children, that they can leave unhealthy relationships, they will be empowered to say no to people,places and things that don’t feel right.

Find support to help you shift this in your mind and body.

Reachout and grow healthy relationships.

And contrary to belief I feel it’s OK for them to see you process difficult emotions. It teaches them that we all have difficult emotions.

Children respond to your love and you being their safe space.

The sadness is grief of leaving behind all the hopes, dreams and marriage that didn’t turn out as you expected. That’s ok. Allow yourself space for it.